Maybe I Should Really Quit Running

Originally Posted on January 31st, 2020

It took me fourteen years to turn the cover page and read Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg. I could never get past the note to me ‘For Katy, Our dear friend and budding writer.” 

Why would you say something so nice? I know you mean well but compliments freeze us in a moment. I never attempted to write. It could bring riches. I couldn’t have that. Have platitudes thrown at me because I did something. Something anyone else could do. Something others, not myself, could succeed at. I’ve failed over and over again. It’s an old friend. I’ve failed by being here fourteen years later contemplating kindness.

I am so concerned with my voice, my word choices. Concerned about opinions good and bad but mostly good. Negativity feeds and supports me, it’s easy to digest. Goodness is rich and fatty it sits on you in a way anyone should despise. It clings to you in an effort to keep you warm. It cares little for anything but your comfort. And why? Because it knows you’re cold and need to warm up. It tries to stay, to be a familiar friend but you run from it. 

Lacing up your shoes you run out the door. Tell yourself that’s what you are now a runner.

You’re free, you’ve quieted the voices. Positive words can’t catch you. Fast enough you can’t even see the trees let alone take in the world. No need for positivity here on your own path with an empty head, it’s easy to run, it’s hard to sit still. 

Why would I sit to hear the sounds of others? The noise of wounds and hurt.

My skin is hardened and thin around a fragile frame, there is not much to me. And the fat hurts. The comfort is uncomfortable. 

I know there are things I want to say but words beget words. I don’t want to listen. I can’t take more. Where am I supposed to put it? Am I really meant to open up and chew? Swallow the fatty, salty, rich, umami of compliments. 

Can I sprinkle it with the worn-down soles of my sneakers? Can I reduce the calorie count? Maybe run while you run after me. Maybe if I’m far enough away I can’t hear you whisper.