Writing poetry is a release and I often write poems quickly. I think of something while driving or doing dishes and then I repeat it to myself until I can grab my phone or a pen and paper. And then the poems tend to sit for a bit until it’s Thursday and I rummage through my notes app and journals trying to find a poem that feels appropriate for the day. I edit my poem the day of posting, checking grammar and spelling but mostly focused on how it sounds. I always imagine what a poem would be like read aloud. I often hope that those who read my poems read them aloud to themselves.
As sad as my poetry is, it’s actually the hardest to write and post on my tougher days. It’s also a bit tough on sunny days. I find those in between grey days of melancholy to be the easiest and most transformative.
Today it was hard to choose, nothing felt quite right but I couldn’t gather my thoughts together enough to write anything new either. So I’m trying something different. Below is an email response (edited for privacy) I sent to a friend back in November. I wrote it while sitting in my local coffee shop and then I took a really long walk and cried. I hadn’t shared with anyone how I was truly feeling until I was asked point blank how I was doing and knew the person asking didn’t care either way. They weren’t going to be happier if I was happier or sadder if I was sad, they weren’t going to try and fix it or give congratulations. Being honest with a neutral party is freeing. The person also never responded which makes it feel even more so that I wasn’t writing this email to share information with a confidant but I was answering their question for myself.
Life is messy and sticky and unpredictable just like my twins after a long day at school. Somedays I write for others, some for me, and some just because. I do know as I continue on this sharing journey that I have to stop being scared of what other people will think or what they might say cause honestly no one has said anything of concern and I’m not sure there’s much anyone could say that would stop me from creating and sharing.
Nov. 7th 2025
I’m trying to find peace in floating through the universe. I’ve been reading and writing a lot, a lot. I’m waiting to get a dissertation chapter back from (my advisor) and I’m kinda anxious because I kinda went rogue and I don’t know what she’s going to say. Honestly if I end up writing the dissertation I want to I’m a bit nervous about how all the participants are going to think about it, it’s much different then originally intended. At this point it’s an autoethnography, which feels like the only logical thing.
No matter what happens I want to find a way to have a culmination to something I’ve spent many years doing and for better or worse has become intrinsically tied to some of my worst experiences. Honestly writing the dissertation feels like trying to explain the universe. Craft/culture/textiles/consumption/commodification/the human condition – I dunno. I’m kinda sick of just thinking about it all on my own. I just want the thoughts out of my head and in the world in some form, dissertation or not.
The girls are in a school Monday through Friday 8-3 which has been super nice for me to try and get shit figured out. I’m trying to be grateful for having this place to land but Long Island kinda sucks and it’s just so not for me.
Definitely missing NL but I think more so missing the thought of a life I never had the opportunity to live. As you can tell I’ve been very in my head. Writing poetry and prose has not been an issue.
I definitely think I’m a little depressed but honestly I’m proud of myself and I know if I just wait long enough I’ll feel differently, or at least I hope I do. Life is change after all.
Sorry for the tome!
– K
