There have been a few moments in my life when I realized how important something was to me because someone suggested I don’t do it. I can clearly conjure up sitting with someone as they said “oh maybe dance is taking up too much of your time”, “your spending so much time doing stuff for you”, “you’re spending all your time writing that blog when you could be doing something else”.
First off we all have an ingrained belief that arts activities are frivolous, that spending time and money on dance class or painting or writing fanfiction is extra and only for the privileged. It’s not. And I think Western societies problems with art based activities overlaps with Western cultures view of mental health. Everyone loves to say mental health matters but they’ll also tell you to quit “wasting” your time on the very things that can benefit your mental well being. When someone is struggling and they bemoan their circumstances the absolute last thing they need to hear is that they are wasting time in the one activity they are managing to show up to regularly. I don’t care if your personal activity is walking in the woods, or joking with online friends on reddit, or making bad art, or trying out every craft you can get your hands on. We are all living on a floating rock and we only get about 80 years if we’re lucky I can’t fathom suggesting that anyone remove a singular thing from their life that they consistently show up for and find even the smallest bit of solace in.
But because of who I am I have pretty shitty discernment. Hearing No, being given advice to stop doing something that I care about, has in large part shaped my decision making. When someone tells me not to do something that is adding to my life I have the clearest guttural reaction possible. It’s like everything in the universe heard the advice and is clearly and emphatically shouting NO. No I will not stop. No I will not give up what matters to me to appease anyone. No I will not even consider your bullshit advice. This matters to me! I matter enough to prioritize this in my life. Though it has come in handy I would prefer to not need to listen to uniformed advice to find clarity in my life’s path. But because that’s currently my only way to discernment I have taken to applying to different jobs and opportunities so that I can get clarity on where I want to go in my life. Apply for a job in Alaska and don’t get it, eh I’m happy they said no I don’t really want to move there. Submit a poem and get a cheery “not this time”, well the poem needs work and I can just submit it elsewhere. Apply for an artist residency and hear a no, I’m not sure this was the right time and Ill just work on my proposal and try somewhere else. If like me you struggle to find clarity on what matters to you maybe do something radical and put yourself in the position to hear no and then see how you feel. Are you kinda happy they said no or are you insistent that you turn that no into a yes?
I know it’s kinda messed up but I’ve been seeking out no’s so that I can make clear decisions about what I want to be doing. I previously did a 50 Nos challenge that led me on the path of being a professional artist and I think it was a wonderfully informative time in my life. Now I’m a couple years older, my kids are school age, I’m struggling to complete my PhD dissertation, and I’m grasping at straws to put money in my bank account. My most recent advice to quit with all my time blogging (I actually do not spend very much time doing this) clarified for me how important I find this space. And it helped me come to terms with the fact that I am indeed an artist and I do indeed need to be framing my life and financial decisions about making things work with my art. Saying that makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit. Pursue art? Am I insane? No I’m just 38, full-time care taker of my twin daughters, who can’t afford after school child care, I don’t have health insurance, ABD (all but dissertation) on my PhD which I’m struggling to financially complete, living in a seasonal tiny town with a lot of retirees, trying to heal from trauma, pay debt, and going through perimenopause, oh and living in this hell of an oligarchy fascist state. And yet I also know I’m wildly privileged, my children’s father is involved, I’m living in my grandparents home, I have people who care about me, I’m reasonably healthy, I have food in my fridge, and gas in my car. But my point is that given my personal circumstances in the world pursuing art actually makes the most sense. I’m still adjusting to my reality and slowly accepting where I’m at and what I need to do moving forward but I keep reminding myself I like it here. I like being me. I feel comfortable being my own boss and working constantly to do something that fulfills me. And If I didn’t put the work into art I’d be strung out and agonizing over a low paying life sucking job. We all work hard it’s just a matter of what type of hard we’ve chosen for ourselves within the circumstances of our world.
This blog post today was for me. A confirmation of how I’ve been feeling. A public diary entry. But I hope someone can also take away from this that you to can find clarity and even calm if you’re willing to hear the no’s and use them to your advantage. Recognizing that the craziest thing you could do might also be the most practical and reasonable thing for you is a good thing. Life is not about following arbitrary rules or listening to bullshit advice. Do what makes sense to you and give a big fuck you to anyone who tells you to stop doing what makes you happy.
